Arts & Sciences

Carsten Schmidtke How to Be a Successful Student--NOT!

Ten Easy Ways to Graduate ¦ Cool Dude's Guide to Flunking Out ¦ 
How to Please Your Professors ¦ How to Make Your Professors Respect You ¦ 
What Your Professors Say...and What They Mean

1. Bring your professors newspaper clippings dealing with their subjects. This demonstrates fiery interest and gives them timely items to mention to the class. If you can't find clippings dealing with their subjects, bring in any clippings at random. They think everything deals with their subjects.
2. Look alert. Takes notes eagerly--you don't have to read them later. If you look at your watch, don't stare at it unbelievingly and sigh.
3. Nod frequently and murmur, "How true!" To you, this seems exaggerated; to them, it's quite objective.
4. Sit in front, near them (applies only if you intend to stay awake). If you're going to all the trouble of making a good impression, you might as well let them know that you are.
5. Laugh at their jokes. You CAN tell. If they look up from their notes and smile expectantly, they have told a joke.
6. Ask for outside reading. You don't have to read it. Just ask.
7. If you must sleep, arrange to be called at the end of the hour. This way, you will be awake in time for the break. Learn to sleep sitting up. As unbelievable as it may seem, putting your head on your desk is not regarded as a sign of deep thought.
8. Be sure the book you read during class looks like a book from the course. If you do math in psychology class and psychology in math class, match the books for size and color.
9. Ask questions you think they can answer. Conversely, avoid announcing that you have found the answer they couldn't provide, and in your younger brother's second grade reader at that.
10. Call their attention to their writing. If you know that they have published books or articles, ask them in class about it.

As to whether or not you want to do some work in addition to all this--well, the answer is quite controversial, and the decision is up to the individual.

Source: Journal, March 1949

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1. Sit in the back of the classroom, even if there are only five students in class. This will immediately indicate a lack of interest in the class and a generally negative attitude toward school.
2. Don't read your assignments before going to class. This way, you'll be nicely unprepared to answer questions, and you'll have no idea what the professor is talking about. Remember: Knowing the material is not cool.
3. If you must take notes, let the reading and studying of them pile up until the night before an exam. No sense getting all uptight about it. Don't believe your professors when they say that the material will be on the test. They're lying just to scare you. In addition, be sure to use lots of abbreviation that you'll forget later.
4. Forget to buy your textbook and ignore suggestions by your professors to do outside reading. Do, however, frequently complain about the high cost of textbooks.
5. Ignore exam results. Throw returned tests away, preferably on your way out of the classroom. If you study, you might do better next time. Your bad grade is only an indication that your professor is out to get you.
6. Either don't go to class or go very little. This way, you won't be bothered with stuff that might be on exams. And remember: Going to class late is not at all graceful or stylish. It's best not to go at all.
7. After cutting a class, be sure to ask the instructor, "Did I miss anything?"
8. Start papers late. In fact, just throw them together. This will guarantee a junior-high- level mess, especially if you wait until the night before the paper is due. Your professor should be glad you did something at all. Ignore all guidelines on formatting. Nobody has the right to tell you how to do things.
9. Schedule your classes so that they're all in the morning. This gives you the entire afternoon to goof off, thus eliminating the possibility of making good use of your time. Besides, you can drive your advisors crazy by insisting that they help you schedule all your classes between 8:30 and 11:30.
10. Never visit with any of your professors during the term. You can thus avoid getting any valuable information that might help you.

Adapted from Bonnie Titley, "How to Flunk out with Style and Grace." National On-Campus Report, August 12, 1994.

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1. On the first day of class, show your professors who's boss. Scowl at them during the entire first class meeting. This puts them on notice that you are on to them and that they had better not try anything funny. Your professors will use every dirty trick in the book to get you to smile. Don't fall for it. Once you crack even the tiniest smile or utter more than one syllable at a time, they will have the upper hand.
2. Try to get to class a few minutes late every day. That'll give your professors time to catch their breath and to surely notice you when you arrive.
3. Go to class only some of the time. You don't want to wear out your welcome, do you? Remember: The less your professors see of you, the happier they are.
4. Class time is the perfect opportunity for catching up on your work for other courses, reading the newspaper, taking a nap, or talking with a friend. Professors love to see students use their time efficiently.
5. Avoid coming to class prepared. Reading the assigned text and knowing the material will only ruin the professor's carefully prepared lecture and rob you of the opportunity to ask inane hypothetical questions.
6. Your professors are flexible about due dates. They like getting things late because that helps them spread out their grading. The only thing that will get you in trouble is turning in something early.
7. Don't overload your book bag with textbooks, note paper, and pencils. Your professors don't want you to hurt your back. If you take notes, you only slow down the class. The fewer notes you take, the happier your professors will be.
8. Don't participate in class unless your professors call on you. Asking questions is rude, and expressing your opinions may be something for the Jerry Springer Show, but not for college.
9. When someone asks a question, pay no attention to the answer. Your professors love answering the same questions over and over--it makes them feel useful.
10. When you misspell words, blame it on the spell checker. Your professors know that with the high cost of cigarettes and beer, you can't possibly afford a $4.99 dictionary.
11. Remember that personality is more important than performance. Your professors will give you a good grade only if they like you.
12. Your professors know that a "C" is an insult and no longer means average. If you show up more or less regularly, you will be guaranteed at least a "B."
13. If you do get a grade that is lower than what you deserve, accuse your professors of incompetence or bad teaching or an uncaring attitude. Insinuate that you are not the only one who finds the class too hard. Once your professors know that you can see right through their shenanigans, they will gladly raise your grade to avoid being exposed as the frauds that they are.
14. If you're going to be absent, don't notify your professors in advance. If not for frantically calling your advisor to figure out where you are, they'd have nothing to do. Remember: A professor's job is to make sure that students who have cut class are always caught up.
15. Here are some other comments your professors love to hear:

    If you miss an exam question:

    "That was a trick question."

    If you get a low grade on a paper:

    "My mom thought is was excellent."

    If you hand in a late paper:

    "I had a paper due in another class."

    If you get a bad grade because you misunderstood the directions:

    "In high school we didn't have to do it this way."

    Shouted from the back after a returned test:

    "What does this comment here say?

16. By all means, go on vacation while school is in session. Have fun on Padre Island while the rest of the class covers the material.
17. Image accounts for most of your grade, so be sure to put your assignments in fancy folders. That way, your professors won't notice the misspellings, the food stains, and the lack of content. Remember: Professors are easily fooled.
18. Don't bother your professors with questions during their office hours; they have work to do. Instead, approach them two minutes before class and ask them to look over papers or fill you in one the last two weeks' lectures. An added bonus is the fact that you can later complain that your professor didn't take enough time to explain things.
19. Professors are genetically unable to keep time. The only way to remind them is to pack up your things five minutes before the end of class. Your professors will be forever thankful.
20. Wait until you're in a crisis situation before asking your professors for help; otherwise, they won't take your problem seriously.
21. If you have a complaint or concern, do not discuss it with your professors-- they won't listen or even try to understand. Instead, talk about it with classmates and family members and let the anger fester. Better yet, give your professors no clue that you're upset and deny everything should they ask; then tear into them in your course evaluation or during a meeting with the department head.
22. Don't drop by your professors' offices to chat--they're way too busy to be concerned about your progress. Remember: Professors are not in this business because they love working with students; they're in it for the money and for the chance to make people miserable.
23. Don't keep a copy of your course syllabus or course policies. Your professors made them only to have something to talk about the first day. Throw them in the trash on your way out. This way, you can plead ignorance and argue endlessly should the professor actually attempt to enforce a policy.
24. If nothing else works, whine. If you get no response, whine louder. This worked with your parents, so it's going to work here. Just be persistent. Ultimately, all professors want to be popular. Two particularly effective whines are "That's not fay-uhr!!!" and "You just don't like me." However, the ultimate winner is, "I worked really hard on this, but nothing is ever good enough for you." That gets 'em every time.

Adapted from: Proctor, Russell F., II. "Communicating Rules with a Grin."

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How to Make Sure That Your Professors Respect You

• To start off, every professor owes you respect. After all, who is paying their salaries? Do not listen to any of that nonsense about "having to earn" respect. They have no right to tell you how to behave. You're 18, and you know about life; they are a bunch of old fogeys who are out of touch with the real world. However, in case your professors turn out to be intractable and refuse to see you for the flawless human being that you are, the following are some suggestions for what you can do to set them straight.
• Do not bother to learn your professor's name. Having to do that is humiliating and just a power game on your professor's part. Remember, you are paying his or her salary. Besides, learning your professor's name only wastes memory space that can be used more effectively for memorizing sports scores or girls' phone numbers or this fall's shades of fingernail polish. However, should your professor get as much as one letter wrong in your name or, worse yet, mispronounce it deliberately, you are entitled to run from the room crying or start throwing things and swearing. Afterwards, always visit with the department chair and complain that your professor is out to get you.
• Be quick to apply such meaningful and concise labels as "busywork," "irrelevant," and "boring" to anything which you do not like or understand. This is both a convenient way of putting the professor down and a successful end run around the inconvenience of having to comprehend something before you judge it.
• Always be ready with reasons why you are an exception to the rules established for the class, such as the dates for submitting written assignments.
• Avoid taking examinations at the same time and under the same conditions as the rest of the class. Be certain to take it for granted that the professor will give you a make-up exam at your convenience, regardless of your reason for missing the exam. After all, you are paying his or her salary.
• Be very casual about class attendance. When you see your professor, be sure to ask, "Did I miss anything important in class today?" This will do wonders for his or her ego. By all means, expect the professor to give a recital of all of the things you missed instead of taking the responsibility for getting the information from another member of the class.
• Be consistently late to class and other appointments. This shows others how much busier you are than your professors.
• Do not read your assignments in advance of class lectures and discussions. This actually allows you to study more efficiently, for you can take up class time asking about things which are explained in the reading. To be sure that you get the important information, you can adopt a look of pained confusion when the professor refers to points made in the readings; this will prompt him or her to go over them again. There is no need to speak up; professors who fail to read your personal body language and your mind correctly are simply incompetent or out to get you.
• Avoid using the professor's office hours for making an appointment. Instead, show up when he or she is trying to finish a lecture before the next class hour or is on the way to a meeting and explain that you must see him or her right that minute.  As you enter the office, It is especially desirable to say, "Knock, knock" without actually knocking. Don't be shy about demanding what you are due. Never ask, "Professor X, may I speak with you?" Instead say, "Hey, I need your help." This reminds your professor that you are paying his or her salary and leads to increased helpfulness.
•  Begin every conversation with your professor with a detailed description of your personal, familial, financial, childcare, or work problems. Better yet, park yourself in the classroom door while your professor is teaching another class and demand that you be given immediate attention. If the professor is too uncaring to stop class for you, you are fully within your rights to throw a fit.
• An especially good strategy is to go to the office during midmorning, when class schedules are the tightest and professors often have several classes back to back, or during late afternoon, when the building is usually like a ghost town. When you do not find the professor, you can then report to the dean or the division chair that you have not been able to make up the three tests that you missed because your professor is never in the office, and how can you be successful if others refuse to understand how special you are?

Adapted from: William W. Nish, Georgia College, "PROFESSORS' PET PEEVES: HOW TO RECEIVE A LESS THAN ENTHUSIASTIC LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION"

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Adapted from: Frank Pajares, Emory University

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